The dark side of the hustle
Team. First of all, happy Monday. In all honesty though, I wish I was a bit happier today. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not Mondays’ fault I’m not happy (Monday is the best – so much week ahead!) – however, I’ve been feeling this creeping sense of doubt over the last few weeks and it’s finally come to a head. So, get yourselves a cuppa and put your resilience cap on – cause writing this for me was a fresh slap of hustle truth.
It’s getting really hard.
If I were to put it on paper right now, life sounds great – I’m sitting here, the spring sun’s on my back, I’m just about to grind up some fresh coffee.. I had a wee sleep in this morning, did some exercise, caught up on the news.. You’re probably wondering what I have to complain about at all, right!!
But it’s hard. And it’s only getting harder.
When I say that, it’s not necessarily the actual work that’s hard – I love the work I’m doing, even if it’s not amounting to anything financially.
What is hard, is the stone cold silence. What is hard, is feeling like I have no where to be. What is hard is traveling down a street I initially hoped was two way, but turns out it’s only one.
While I can do everything I can to promote myself, to contact people, to put myself out there, to network.. I can’t do anything to actually make anyone notice, to get them to call me back, I can’t force them to love what I’m about and immediately want to hire me. While they are my priority, I am no one’s priority. I’m at the bottom of everyone’s ‘to-do’ list. If something better comes up, people cancel. People put off replying. People forget about me.
I’ve been waiting on one person to come back to me with feedback/a plan for 11 weeks. 11 weeks! They occasionally send an email, and my heart jumps in to my throat every time, but so far the content is just an apology to say they’ll come back to me soon. And if I hadn’t been following up with them every other week to say a jovially strained ‘hey, still hoping to hear from you when you get a sec’, I know they would have just let it slide by now.
It feels lonely and directionless, and yes, sometimes even pointless.
I’m normally good at staying positive, but this is just one of those days where those vibes aren’t comin’ at me. One step forward, two back kind of territory. I’m hunting for that part of my brain that says ‘don’t worry, in ten years you’ll look back on this and wonder why you ever worried at all’, but she must have banked some annual leave.
I definitely don’t feel regret, but sometimes I think back to having a proper job, and miss the external pressure. I miss the people. I miss the clients. I miss working for something established. Cause it’s a hell of a lot easier than starting from nothing, where the only product you have to offer is yourself.
To be in a constant state of self motivation and creation is tiring. I’ve never been so exhausted, but yet I’ve never been kept awake by my own thoughts so much, either.
I’ve hit a hustle wall today. I know that I’ll bounce back, and get that excited buzz about me back again soon, but I think it’s important to share all sides of the realities without any sugar coating.
This is just one of those times where I’ve got to take advice from myself, and feel these emotions clearly and without embellishment in order to move forward. I guess it wouldn’t be a hustle if I wasn’t second guessing everything I’ve just done. Hopefully some roadworks are done on that one way street soon, but in the meantime – I should probably send off another email.