The internal boxing match

Oh. My. Gosh. Today, I have a day off from filming on set. And it’s great. Thank goodness, is all I can say. Seriously, I needed to sleep in ’til 10am this morning for my own mental sanity. If I had filmed my last video post update yesterday rather than on Thursday, I’m sure the content would have been VERY different (more swearing, fewer lols, potentially recorded from a horizontal position).

Film jobs are amazing. They are interesting. They are exciting. But it’s amazing how quickly they become work, a job like any other! There’s stress, tiredness, unnecessary snide remarks.. Personalities mash, departments clash, communication breaks down.. There’s a project deadline, there’s heaps to consider, and there’s a lot. At. Stake.

My week in numbers: 6 working days, 13 coffees, 5 different locations, 4 starts before 5am, 69.5 hours worked, excluding travel time.. And this reality is not about to slow down any time soon.

Yesterday, being day 6, a Sunday, I could feel my resilience slipping. My brain started to point blame at others for my internal feelings of unhappiness and exhaustion. The part of my mind that dishes out the good vibes was inhibited because what I wanted to do (sleep), vs what I had to do (not sleep) were completely opposing situations. Even the simple fact that I haven’t been in control of what I wear, what I look like (HAIRCUT!), or who I am since I’m kind of employed to be someone else, might’ve been screwing with my sense of self, my sense of individuality, my sense of autonomy.

The worst bit, however? It wasn’t just me who was feeling exhausted and yes, maybe even a little bit over it. The entire crew were in the same situation. It had been a long week. Patiences were wearing thin. When I turned up yesterday, there was absolutely zero sense of fun. People were short tempered and low on energy and some were working as individuals rather than as a team. It was every woman/man for her/him-self

And it was kind of horrible! Whatever work I’m doing, I always try to ensure I stay on top of the novelty factor, especially on film jobs – because even though they are not as glam as everyone perceives (working on the Hobbit in a distorted costume weighing 30kg for example..), they are such amazing projects to be a part! But, while my day job right now, is totally fuc*ing incredible, like anything, it’s not always easy. The things I came home complaining about last night were definitely testament to that.

BUT, what do I always say? Better to feel emotions clearly than to try and nullify. I’ve finally learnt that it’s only through allowing myself to feel that I come to understand myself a little bit better, that I become a little bit stronger, that I can discover my own perspective and effectively move forward. And that is what it’s all about!

So what did I do last night? I refocussed internally. I came up with an affirmation. And, I started to think rationally.

This job is flippin’ awesome, and I am so grateful for it. I am in control of how I feel, of how I act, of how I choose to hold myself.. And even if it’s not always fun, and people aren’t always kind, there are always going to be learning opportunities. It’s ok to not feel on top of my game all of the time.. It’s just not human. And as long as I’m not hurting anyone else in the process of gaining my happiness back, I have to remember that off days are in fact allowed.

After a day of distance, I reckon I’m ready to head back with a positive vengeance. So bring on the next 4 weeks of exhaustion, of novelty, of ridiculous fun! This experience, and the good and the bad that will inevitably come with it, are all once in a lifetime.

Have you ever received an amazing job that you were eternally grateful for – but the realities weren’t always as awesome as you’d hoped? Would love to hear about how you stayed on top!! Comment below, or send me an email –


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