Remind me why I decided to do this again?
Warning: this post may put you off the hustle.
Truth is. It’s been a weird year. I wouldn’t go as far to say that it’s been a shit year, as lots of good has happened.. No, really, I’m sure it has. Despite that fact that I can’t really think of anything off the top of my head aside from the summer heat, a few standout coffees and The Warehouse ad, I’m sure that 2016 has been full of awesome things (help?).
However personally, the hustle momentum, the hustle progress, the hustle vibe?
That has definitely felt quite shit.
Re-launch of the website and party aside, it’s been hard for me to stay motivated in my day to day life. It’s been hard to exist in a constant state of creation. It’s been getting harder and harder to remember why the feck I decided to do this in the first place.
I find my mind wandering back to the 9-5 extremely often these days. I never thought there’d come a time where I’d actually want multiple layers of people working above me, where I’d want work handed to me, where I’d want to be paid for doing things that I personally find uninspiring. I never thought I’d crave being able to run on autopilot, having a routine that was predetermined, having to sit in traffic so as not to be late for a 9am start.
With the hustle, it’s very different. I’m the only one who cares if I do anything productive with my day. I’m the one who has to live with the decisions and progress I’ve made (or lack thereof). I’m the one who checks in with my bank balance and watches it steadily venture south. I’m the one who stays awake at night wondering what more I could and should be doing, what piece of the puzzle is missing, what it is I’m doing wrong.
And the worst part? I’m the one who at the end of each unsuccessful day has to battle the voice in my head telling me that maybe it’s because I have nothing valuable left to offer.
See, the truth is, this journey is an incredibly lonely one. Don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise. I thought that knowing this fact before I ventured in to the hustle equated to being able to handle it.
See, I don’t think that anything can really prepare you for the silence and the confusion and the consistent stream of rejection that inevitably comes when you start to push for what it is you want. It’s you and you alone who’s going to have to take it all on the chin. It’s you who’s going to have to muster the motivation to keep moving. It’s you who is going to have to get your ass up out of bed each morning, even when you have nowhere to be. It’s you who is going to have to decide to keep pushing every day. It’s you who is going to have to work to ignore every cell in your body that’s telling you it’s time to quit.
It’s not f*cking easy. In fact, most days, it’s kind of horrible.
I knew this would take time. I knew there’d be moments where I’d feel stuck. I knew that there would be times where I’d question what I’m doing.
I just didn’t think all of these feelings would occur on such a regular and consistent basis.
Fair to say that my resilience is waning. If not for the amazing support networks I have and the people who continue to believe in me (ie, YOU!), I would have already initiated plan B, which is to sell my soul and become a tobacco sales person (it had to be a bit ridiculous so plan A is always going to be more appealing). That quote I posted on Instagram this morning holds far more weight for me right now than I may have let on.
I’m really, really stuck for ideas, and it feels like I have been for quite some time. I’ve tried different avenues, got in front of key decision makers, broken bread with some of the industry’s most successful, and still I feel like I can’t get even a small breakthrough.
Is the universe telling me to give up??
Maybe I’m feeling this way because winter is coming. Maybe it’s because it’s nearly been a year. Maybe it’s because in comparison, 2015 was full of excitement.
Or maybe it’s because there’s some epic shit coming at me just around the corner.
That’s the thought that will keep me going. It has to. Even though it’s is barely audible in all the noise that’s in my brain right now, luckily for me, I can still sense it niggling away there somewhere near the back.
If only I actually believed it.
Hope you’re feeling more positive than me today, Hustlers.