The day I never want to repeat.

Last Thursday was, without a doubt, the worst day of the hustle so far.

There was no lead up. No direct cause. No one attributable event. But I kid you not. I haven’t felt as low as I did that day for a very long time.

My alarm started blaring at 6.40am. On a normal day, I would heave myself out of bed (somewhat reluctantly due to cold + general morning-ness) and before I had a chance to think, I’d get into some exercise, shower, eat some breakfast and be ready to start the day before 9am.

But Thursday was different. Although of course there have been times where I’ve slept in, felt apprehensive about the day and generally been a bit lower than usual, this was next level.

I had absolutely zero motivation. And when I say zero motivation, I mean that there was no question, no second thought, no inner voice even attempting to whisper a reason for me to not turn my alarm off (without hitting snooze) and go back to sleep.

On the one hand, I feel pretty lucky that that was the first time that feeling had occurred. On the other hand, the part that happened next was pretty out of character.

I woke up again at 9.34am. Nine thirty-four. Nearly three hours later.

I was appalled. And I felt like absolute shit.

I don’t mean I felt like shit as in I felt sick; I mean I felt like shit as if I was actually shit.

I felt worthless. I felt ugly. I felt undeserving. I felt like a failure. I felt so irrationally low that at that time, my only option was to cry and go back to sleep because the reality of having to face that day was all too much.

For the first time, I didn’t care that I was wasting time. I didn’t care what opportunities I might miss out on. I didn’t care about any responsibilities. All I cared about was getting myself back into a state of unconsciousness as soon as humanly possible in order to escape those feelings.

I think I hit rock bottom.

About an hour later, I woke up again. I still felt like shit. But I forced myself to get up.

I existed for the rest of the day in a state of unrest. Key word – existed. Despite not feeling like it, I forced myself to exercise. I forced myself to eat. I forced myself to put on normal clothes and to leave the house.

I felt like I might burst into tears for no apparent reason throughout the entire day. I felt directionless. I felt unworthy. I felt like I had completely lost myself in this low. And in some ways, it felt good to feel so low. It felt comfortable. It felt like that feeling was there to stay. It felt like I may as well get used to it.

I allowed myself to feel like shit on Thursday, because there really was no other option. I went through the motions and tried to act normal and tried to remain my upbeat energetic self when I was with company, but I felt like I was worlds away. I was withdrawn, stuck in my own head, living a surface level lie. I knew I had no option that day but to ride the feeling all the way out to the other side.

And in hindsight, all of that seems like a really scary thing.

I’d really like to tell you that the last few days have been better, have been easier, have been more relaxed; but in some ways, they’ve been tougher, because I’ve been actively working to try and overcome that low. It’s taking a huge amount of self awareness and self talk and self love, which is definitely not coming naturally right now. It feels like I’ve gone back about 1,7000 steps.

But all that means is that I have 17,001 steps ahead of me. And the only option is to start taking them. So here’s step one – acknowledgement.

I have always believed that crises are important in life. They exist to tell you that something isn’t working, that something isn’t right, that you need to change direction or work on a different part of yourself in order to grow and move forward.

And that’s the belief I’m holding onto.

We are all human. We all experience. We all feel. And shit isn’t always easy.


13 Replies to “The day I never want to repeat.”

  1. xxxxxx Keep remembering how nany people you are inspiring. I wanna come pick you up and bring you home for some comfort food and a glass of vino! xxxx

    1. Aw, thanks so much Fran!! That offer sounds INCREDIBLE – and I may well take you up on it when I’m home in a month 😉 xxx

  2. We’ve all felt like this, I have felt like this many times. Don’t be hard on yourself. Sometimes life is hard and you feel shit. Love reading your posts. Keep it up xxx

    1. Hey Shannon – thanks so much for the comment. I’ve definitely experienced that feeling before, so while it sucks to know that you have too, it’s also great to know that we are not alone. We are only human, right?? If you haven’t already seen it, I posted a vid on Facebook on Tuesday trying to make sense of all the feedback.. Would love to know your thoughts!! Thanks again, sister xx

  3. Oof! Been there. So much magic in putting one foot in front of another. Notice I didn’t say “just”. Wishing you many big stomps going forward.

  4. It was a full moon last wk BTW….i shit you not i got so mentally f’d up last full moon…totally agitated n wired n annoyed n very down on myself..and very low on energy n motivation..
    Then snap…gone..woke up feeling better.. but while i was going through those 5-odd days i just had to remind myself it wasn’t my default and yes i did feel f’d up but it was feeling ‘outside my control’ and it would be gone soon… you’re ok in every way, shitty head or shitty day

    1. A few people have mentioned this full moon!! Crazy to thing that the old gravitational pull can have such an impact on our emotions right?! I’m sorry you felt so down, but I’m really glad you managed it so well and came out the other side on top. Love that mantra – will note it down in prep for the next full moon!! Thanks so much for the comment, for understanding and for the positive vibes. xxx

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