A very public apology

Today, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for not fitting a narrative.

I’m sorry for not fitting a mould.

I’m sorry that I seem to consistently let society down.

These are the things that I’m sorry for.

I’m sorry for my work history.

Sometimes it seems like I should have tried harder at school, at university, at every ‘proper job’ I’ve ever had. 

Maybe if I’d taken the next few steps in a particular career path, I’d have found happiness. Content. And my life would be very different.

How I am seen by others would almost certainly be different.

Stable. Progressive. Accepted. 

Better.

Maybe I didn’t really not like the job. Maybe I should have suppressed that sick feeling I had as I travelled to work some mornings. Maybe it was my own fault that I felt uncomfortable, out of place and as far from myself as possible when I was working in some roles.

Maybe I should have just ignored my gut.

I’m sorry for my current priorities.

Sometimes it seems like I should be desperately trying to find a boyfriend to settle down with, to have children with, to start an ‘actual’ life with. 

I think back on my past, and wonder if I should have tried harder to make it work, to make them happy, to fix what was broken. 

Sometimes I wonder how many days will pass before I hear about my biological clock, the property market, before someone looks concerned about my relationship status.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be worrying even more about my figure, my skin, my perceived attractiveness, my shelf life.

I’m not getting any younger after all.

I’m sorry for being a failure.

I don’t know why I feel I unsatisfied working a 9-5, why I haven’t yet found my true calling, and why I insist on making an effort to discover what that is. 

Sometimes I fantasise about my employed life. Sometimes  I do feel lost. Sometimes I look at my bank account as the numbers decline and wonder how much longer I should give it before I call this ‘cute little venture’ quits.

Maybe I shouldn’t value what I do. Maybe I don’t have anything to offer. Maybe I’ll never be able to make this work.

Maybe I should try harder to fit the mould, the narrative, to help society feel comfortable in my presence.

If only I could just be ok with feeling personally unfulfilled, life would be a whole lot easier.

I’m sorry for using my voice.

I know that in school, I didn’t always buy everything the teachers said. I sometimes questioned their opinions. I’ve even sometimes questioned the opinions of my parents.

Sometimes, I’ve spoken up against racism, sexism, bullying, injustice, and I know that sometimes this has made people uncomfortable.

Maybe at a party in the weekend, I shouldn’t have told the guy that grabbed my boob that it wasn’t ok, that my body wasn’t a free-for-all, that the existence of my breast wasn’t an open invitation.

Maybe after watching Suicide Squad, I shouldn’t have been disappointed at the racial slurs, the cheap jokes, the fact that a woman was punched justifiably because ‘she had a mouth’.

Maybe when I find myself worrying about my little sister in a world where her worth will be based on first her skin colour, second her attractiveness, and third her ability to hold down a man; in a world where porn is the norm, where consent is a grey area, where beauty standards are purchased; in a world where she will be underpaid, undervalued and consistently under societal pressure regardless of her success; maybe that’s just me being overprotective.

Maybe I should stay quiet, and just laugh it all off.

Most of all.. I’m sorry for not being sorry about any of the above at all.

Really. Truly.

I would be different. 

I would change. 

I would be sorry. 

If only I could be.

#MondayHustle

Please share if you’re feeling sorry, too.

8 Replies to “A very public apology”

  1. Fck yes!!! I’ve surpassed the biological clock, leapfrogged the property market and turned down high salaries because I didn’t want to be a large organisation’s bitch. But thank GOD for that!!! I believe in you. You believe in you, and a kajillion other people (that matter) believe in you. And when you come to your time of death you’ll know you DIDN’T sit at home watching reality TV, instead you were out there making your own fckn reality. And that there, my gorgeous friend, is why we’re here!!! (No, it’s not to breed, buy houses and work for some dickhead master…. So you know!!!). So keep marching forward!!!!

    1. Lady babes – what an inspiration! And look at you now – excited, passionate, self resilient.. Love it. Life is all about what you make it, and what makes you happy, right? Thanks for that belief. Really means a lot. Here’s to making it happen. So much love, Belinda – must cheers to this comment really soon. xxxxx

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