Why I’ve Totally F*cked Up.
If you saw my elongated Instagram Story yesterday (love me a good Sunday ramble), in the first instance, you’ll know that I was slightly hungover and was cured by a sausage roll. The hangover wasn’t really my fault though. The Lions made me do it. I also lost my wallet on Saturday, but unlike that time I lost my phone, it’s not what you think. I left my wallet in Hamilton. And the reason I was in Hamilton on Saturday (which some of you may think a more severe peccadillo)? Keep reading..
If you saw the Instagram story – as well as knowing too much about my terrible puns – you’ll also know that I’ve changed.
It’s weird. But ever since the fateful day that was June 29th 2017 (aka, Monday Hustle’s second birthday), I’ve had this crazy realization (my face on Kylie’s body right now and 2016 = 2017).
Looking good, alright.
So what specifically is this realization I’ve had?
Well, as it turns out – I don’t like myself.
If that sounds harsh, it’s because it is. I mean, I’m a perfectly fine human being. My left Achilles may get me slapped on the ‘seconds’ rack, but after some TLC, I’d still be a justifiable purchase.
So what is it that I don’t like about myself?
The fact that I don’t like myself.
Harsh. But true. However, luckily, I’ve made some positive steps toward changing this fact.
On June 29th, the day of Monday Hustle’s second birthday, I woke up feeling super stressed. I couldn’t help but think.. Monday Hustle was two years old.. So why didn’t I feel like I’d done better with everything?? How must I look to my peers, my family, my colleagues? What exactly did I have to show for two years of hustle?? I felt like a fraud.
This thought process was particularly harsh seeing as for a full quarter of that time, I have been working to regain the most important thing we own – health – but on that day, that felt like a pathetic excuse. I wasn’t buying it.
I could feel a crisis coming on, so rather than sit there and stew about it all day, I made a wise (and kind!) decision to take a day off and engage in activities that didn’t involve flirting with self destruction.
I went for a long walk and listened to a podcast. Immediately thereafter, I had an unanticipated stroke of discipline and actually sat my ass down to meditate (something I’ve been trying to do for YEARS). I decided to go to a movie, and because it started at 4.45pm, no one was free to come with me – so I went by myself. It was an NZ film called ‘Meat’, and even though the experience of going by myself was worthwhile, I would have appreciated some company to get me through the actual footage of a lamb being birthed.. After that, I had nowhere to be, so I just strolled the streets. I went into Japan Mart and purchased some socks. Walked up Queen St, just to appreciate the fact that I can walk. Then I went home, started a fresh book, and drifted off to sleep without a care in the world.
It seems kind of uneventful and may not be something to write home about, but undoubtedly simply allowing myself to live that day has changed my life.
What did that day do for me?
It cleared out the clutter. Allowed me to regain control of my brain. Got me lost in the damn moment. And reminded me that my very essence and feeling and enjoyment is what makes me, me.
After the introverted year that has been full of ups and downs and questions about why I even bother doing anything when nothing seems to be gaining traction – that single day made me feel alive again.
So, after that day, I made a decision. Well, three actually. First of all, I decided that meditation is an everyday non-negotiable going forward, because mindfulness is #trending and #powerful. Secondly, I decided that whenever someone asks me to do something fun, or as soon as I have an idea or urge to try something new, if my brain’s immediate reaction is no – I have to flip that to a yes. And third – it reminded me that Monday Hustle is not work. It’s not a chore. I’m under no obligation to do anything with it if I choose not to (but of course, I choose to!)
Monday Hustle is an exploration of everything that makes us human, of everything that sets our soul on fire. It’s a space for ideas, challenge and excitement. By not allowing myself the freedom to treat Monday Hustle like a space for growth and opportunity, both for myself and for you, it’s become stale. I’ve become stale. I’ve gotten into a routine with something that exists to give you permission to breathe it in and roll with each opportunity, whether it is anticipated or not.
My job is to represent possibility. And I’m sorry to say that I haven’t been living up to my role of late.
So, with that in mind, I’m becoming a yes woman. I’m embracing my inner child, and will once again be the Lucy O’Connor who pushes her boundaries, who feels the fear and does it anyway, who leaves her comfort zone and embraces fear on the regular. This is why this began, after all.
Four days in, and already this change of mindset has landed me in a few situations that my complacent a-week-ago brain would have said no to off the bat.
- I went to a movie by myself
- I’ve talked to potential sponsors with vigour about where Monday Hustle is heading
- I went to Hamilton on Saturday to check out a car (and enjoyed every Adele ballad along the way)
- I went for a walk yesterday with a friend despite being very hungover
- I went to Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, live in concert last night
Basically, this two year anniversary combined with the fact that my Achilles is back on track has made for a serious shift. And I can’t help but think that maybe the Achilles thing happened to slap-me-in-the-face and remind me of who I am, and why I decided to do this in the first place.
All I can say is – it’s time to have some fun.